It has been almost exactly two years since I wrote in this blog. I cried reading my last post.
It was written almost exactly one month before my depression punched me in the face and knocked me out - for months.
I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea how strong I was and how much the Lord had already done in me.
Because when the depression came, I did not turn to food. I did not binge to swallow my emotions. Wave after wave. Relentless and cruel. My emotions took hold. And I felt every single moment.
Not one emotion was swallowed and pushed down into my gut. The feelings came. And I felt them.
And until this very moment, I did not realize what an amazingly significant thing that was.
Emotions that were stored up for years, pushed down and drowned in compulsive eating. They came back up. I felt them. And it did not kill me.
So now I'm ready for the next phase. The phase where I have tools to manage those emotions. And food is just food.
I'm ready to let go of one more barrier.
For years, I have wanted to be "skinny." To wear clothes from "average" stores. To feel comfortable looking in the mirror.
But the Lord is shifting my heart away from the picture of perfection that - lets face it - I will never achieve.
Instead, I want to have fun. I want joy. I want laughter. I want to run. I want to go down the slide with my kids. I want to sit in my husband's lap. I want to DO the things that my weight has always told me I couldn't do.
And I'm not waiting until I'm skinny. I'm doing it now. I'm going to have fun, and find joy, and run, and go down slides, and sit on his lap. Right now.
And I know that, as I do it more, it will all get easier. And I know that, even now, the hard of it is okay.
Because I did something really hard. And it didn't kill me.
And that's something, right there.
