2013

It has been almost exactly two years since I wrote in this blog. I cried reading my last post.

It was written almost exactly one month before my depression punched me in the face and knocked me out - for months.

I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea how strong I was and how much the Lord had already done in me.

Because when the depression came, I did not turn to food. I did not binge to swallow my emotions. Wave after wave. Relentless and cruel. My emotions took hold. And I felt every single moment.

Not one emotion was swallowed and pushed down into my gut. The feelings came. And I felt them.

And until this very moment, I did not realize what an amazingly significant thing that was.

Emotions that were stored up for years, pushed down and drowned in compulsive eating. They came back up. I felt them. And it did not kill me.

So now I'm ready for the next phase. The phase where I have tools to manage those emotions. And food is just food.

I'm ready to let go of one more barrier.

For years, I have wanted to be "skinny." To wear clothes from "average" stores. To feel comfortable looking in the mirror.

But the Lord is shifting my heart away from the picture of perfection that - lets face it - I will never achieve.

Instead, I want to have fun. I want joy. I want laughter. I want to run. I want to go down the slide with my kids. I want to sit in my husband's lap. I want to DO the things that my weight has always told me I couldn't do.

And I'm not waiting until I'm skinny. I'm doing it now. I'm going to have fun, and find joy, and run, and go down slides, and sit on his lap. Right now.

And I know that, as I do it more, it will all get easier. And I know that, even now, the hard of it is okay.

Because I did something really hard. And it didn't kill me.

And that's something, right there.

2011

It has been over a year since I posted on this blog.

I am 50 pounds heavier than when I last posted.

But I am not discouraged.

In 2010, I focused a lot on my weight. I blogged about it. I talked about it. I dreamed about it.

I loved watching the numbers drop on the scale. I loved that my measuring tape got smaller each week.

What I didn't love was the junk: the gross, emotional baggage that opened up and spilled my personal effects all over the kitchen floor.

I had determined that 2010 would be a year when my "weight issues" would be dealt with. It turns out my weight issues had very little to do with my actual weight.

Did I achieve my goal weight? No.

Did I keep off what little weight I lost? No.

Did I gain back all of that weight plus some? Yes.

Did I learn a whole lot in the meantime? Absolutely.

At the end of 2010, I realized something: I was completely incapable of living a life without "comfort foods."

I could diet with the best of 'em when life was easy and stress was low. But give me one bad day at work, one argument with my husband, one hurtful comment from a friend, and my only - did you hear that? MY. ONLY. - coping mechanism was food.

When the 2010 dieting took that food away from me, I was completely helpless against the waves of emotion and hurt that crashed against my psyche.

In that realization, I made a decision for the next year: 2011 would not be about my weight. In 2011, I would eat what I wanted to eat when I wanted to eat it, without concern for calories or fat content. In 2011, I would not wake up in the morning obsessing about what I could or couldn't eat for breakfast. In 2011, I would not go to bed hungry in the name of self restraint.

But... in 2011, I would not binge to fulfill emotional emptiness. In 2011, I would not stuff food down my throat in an attempt to swallow tears. In 2011, I would cry. In 2011, I would feel what I needed to feel and I would feel it without food to get in the way. In 2011, I would learn to turn to the Lord, to my friends, to my mom, to my husband, when life became overwhelming. In 2011, I would not numb myself to my failures and insecurities; I would embrace them and love them as a "small beginning" in my path towards wholeness.

In 2011, food would become neither the friend nor the enemy. Food would become... just food.

So I abandoned my blog. I stashed the measuring tape in the back of some drawer that I never opened. I bought some clothes that actually fit me (rather than one size too small). And I gave myself permission - for one year - to simply be. To exist. To be neither fat nor skinny. To define myself as neither "gaining weight" nor "losing weight." I was, and am, simply me.

2011 is quickly coming to an end, and I think I will forever look back on it as the year that changed everything. It could have been horrible. I gained 50 pounds. I got fired. I felt homesick. I strained under financial stress. I had days when getting out of bed felt difficult.

But... I have not binged since December of last year. At all. Not even a little. I have spent more time in the Word. I have "clung" to my husband when I couldn't stand on my own. I have cried, and I have prayed, and I have come out stronger on the other side.

I have learned that fulfillment can come from loving my children, from serving in my church, from cooking a healthy meal, from sipping coffee in the early morning hours. I don't need food for fulfillment.

From all appearances, 2011 should have been the worst year of my adult life. In all reality, it has changed my life in all the right ways.

And I can't wait to see what 2012 holds. More to come...

Before and Now...

Here are some pictures of me around 30 pounds ago... before my first round of HCG... and before my second pregnancy... (click on any picture to make it larger)






And here's a picture somewhere around 20 pounds ago...



And here is a picture from this past weekend (outside a fried chicken joint, ironically enough)...



My goofy husband...



I still have a looooooooooooooong way to go, but it's encouraging to see a little progress along the way.

1 Minute Update!

Update: I weighed again this morning, and here are the numbers...

14 pounds lost
5 inches off my waist (more than halfway to my "healthy" goal)
4 inches off my hips


Whoop WHOOP!!!!

HCG Day 14 (600 Calorie Day 12)

600 Calorie Diet, Day 5

HCG Day 6

There's a loud noise at the end of my video from the kids who live above us. Other than that little glitch, enjoy!