2011

It has been over a year since I posted on this blog.

I am 50 pounds heavier than when I last posted.

But I am not discouraged.

In 2010, I focused a lot on my weight. I blogged about it. I talked about it. I dreamed about it.

I loved watching the numbers drop on the scale. I loved that my measuring tape got smaller each week.

What I didn't love was the junk: the gross, emotional baggage that opened up and spilled my personal effects all over the kitchen floor.

I had determined that 2010 would be a year when my "weight issues" would be dealt with. It turns out my weight issues had very little to do with my actual weight.

Did I achieve my goal weight? No.

Did I keep off what little weight I lost? No.

Did I gain back all of that weight plus some? Yes.

Did I learn a whole lot in the meantime? Absolutely.

At the end of 2010, I realized something: I was completely incapable of living a life without "comfort foods."

I could diet with the best of 'em when life was easy and stress was low. But give me one bad day at work, one argument with my husband, one hurtful comment from a friend, and my only - did you hear that? MY. ONLY. - coping mechanism was food.

When the 2010 dieting took that food away from me, I was completely helpless against the waves of emotion and hurt that crashed against my psyche.

In that realization, I made a decision for the next year: 2011 would not be about my weight. In 2011, I would eat what I wanted to eat when I wanted to eat it, without concern for calories or fat content. In 2011, I would not wake up in the morning obsessing about what I could or couldn't eat for breakfast. In 2011, I would not go to bed hungry in the name of self restraint.

But... in 2011, I would not binge to fulfill emotional emptiness. In 2011, I would not stuff food down my throat in an attempt to swallow tears. In 2011, I would cry. In 2011, I would feel what I needed to feel and I would feel it without food to get in the way. In 2011, I would learn to turn to the Lord, to my friends, to my mom, to my husband, when life became overwhelming. In 2011, I would not numb myself to my failures and insecurities; I would embrace them and love them as a "small beginning" in my path towards wholeness.

In 2011, food would become neither the friend nor the enemy. Food would become... just food.

So I abandoned my blog. I stashed the measuring tape in the back of some drawer that I never opened. I bought some clothes that actually fit me (rather than one size too small). And I gave myself permission - for one year - to simply be. To exist. To be neither fat nor skinny. To define myself as neither "gaining weight" nor "losing weight." I was, and am, simply me.

2011 is quickly coming to an end, and I think I will forever look back on it as the year that changed everything. It could have been horrible. I gained 50 pounds. I got fired. I felt homesick. I strained under financial stress. I had days when getting out of bed felt difficult.

But... I have not binged since December of last year. At all. Not even a little. I have spent more time in the Word. I have "clung" to my husband when I couldn't stand on my own. I have cried, and I have prayed, and I have come out stronger on the other side.

I have learned that fulfillment can come from loving my children, from serving in my church, from cooking a healthy meal, from sipping coffee in the early morning hours. I don't need food for fulfillment.

From all appearances, 2011 should have been the worst year of my adult life. In all reality, it has changed my life in all the right ways.

And I can't wait to see what 2012 holds. More to come...

Before and Now...

Here are some pictures of me around 30 pounds ago... before my first round of HCG... and before my second pregnancy... (click on any picture to make it larger)






And here's a picture somewhere around 20 pounds ago...



And here is a picture from this past weekend (outside a fried chicken joint, ironically enough)...



My goofy husband...



I still have a looooooooooooooong way to go, but it's encouraging to see a little progress along the way.

1 Minute Update!

Update: I weighed again this morning, and here are the numbers...

14 pounds lost
5 inches off my waist (more than halfway to my "healthy" goal)
4 inches off my hips


Whoop WHOOP!!!!

HCG Day 14 (600 Calorie Day 12)

600 Calorie Diet, Day 5

HCG Day 6

There's a loud noise at the end of my video from the kids who live above us. Other than that little glitch, enjoy!

A Little Nerdy Reinforcement

Do you see that little box on the left hand side of the screen? Do you see the big, fat, happy red number? It's a "4", right? A 4. A FOUR!!

I'm just sayin' y'all... I've lost four pounds.

There was a time in my life (not so many months ago) when a measly 4 pounds would have disgusted me. It's only 4 pounds. All that work for only 4 pounds.

But since finding my recent inspiration, I'm happy. Because I know that, even if it's only four pounds, I will never ever ever see those four pounds again. They're gone. "Nevermore!"

Also, I have struggled so much with this round of the HCG diet. I just can't seem to stick with 600 calories. 800? ok. But 600 feels impossible around 9:00 at night.

But as I was thinking (and praying) about it yesterday, I realized that I haven't been using my new-found super power. When I started the HCG diet this time, I had an ambiguous goal.

It was: I am going to eat 600 calories a day for as long a I can... 20 days... 40 days... who knows... we'll see how I feel.

Um... I didn't "feel" like doing ONE day, much less 20.

So yesterday morning I set a new goal: I am going to eat 600 calories for 20 days. That's it. Only 20 days. Less than three weeks.

Along with that goal, I set some (rather silly) positive and negative reinforcement in place. You see, I have a large desk calendar at work that has stayed mostly white since I started working here. But I bought some fun, colorful markers which I will now get to use on the calendar every day that I eat only 600 calories. Day one (before I bought the markers) looks like this:



For the negative reinforcement, I went ahead and decorated the "Day 20" mark. That way, if I cheat even ONE day, I have to reset my 20 days and thereby white-out and move the 20 day mark. I don't like white out on my calendar.

Day 20 looks like this (again, before the colorful markers):



I realize (oh boy, do I realize) how much I sound like a total nerd right now. For most people, I suppose this little bit of "reinforcement" might seem trivial and totally not worth only 600 calories. But late last night - the cursed hours after 9pm when I am so. very. hungry - I, for the first time, refrained from going above my 600 calories. I drank water. I drank hot tea. I ate a handful of cherries and diced peaches. The reason? I knew that I wouldn't be able to color my calendar the next morning AND that I would have to MOVE the 20-day mark that is already decorated.

This might be the most boring post ever. But I wanted to let you guys know some of the small things that motivate me to stick to my diet. Maybe there are some fellow nerds out there who, like me, appreciate the sense of accomplishment that comes from marking off a calendar day.

Love you guys! Thanks for stopping by!


P.S. Look back up at that first picture - I'll wait while you look. See my "Day 1" box? Now look right below that. July 27th. Can you read those letters? They say, "Brandon's last day." Last day for what? you might ask. Well, my friends, let me tell you. My sweet, handsome, intellegent, funny husband just landed his lifetime dream job! As of July 28, 2010, Brandon will be a highschool math teacher! Whoop WHOOP for a dream come true!